Defeat

I had many people tell me before I graduated from Wheaton that their first few years after college were some of the most challenging months of their lives. It wasn't exactly an encouraging tidbit of wisdom for someone already freaking out about leaving one beloved Kilby House and all the friends therein. But back in the spring,  to cope, I mostly plugged my ears and made naive vows that this would certainly not be the case for me. I simply would not allow it. I would do everything necessary and in my power to avoid the oh-so-stereotypical and painfully cliche "post-grad depression." I would go out and live, get a job, find a purpose. I'm a self-motivated person, I reasoned. I won't let myself get in a rut. Plus, despite what other people may think about my major, I'm totally employable!

Well, people, I am here to tell you that I did not succeed.

It's a little painful to admit, but also a little liberating. Yes, I have joined the ranks of the moderately depressed and mostly directionless post-graduates. Yes, I am in said rut. It's funny, there are a lot of us, but we seem to have trouble finding one another. At least, that's how I feel. 

This is how my day went today, for example: Wake up at 5:30 am, go to work. Spend half the time I'm delivering packages worrying that my mangers don't think I'm a good worker, as if some part of my identity hangs on how fast I can get from 550 Three Mile to 2727 Walker (I swear I'm getting there as fast as I can!). Come home from work, sleep from 10 am to 12 pm. Have bad dreams about hurting someone I love. Wake up and bemoan the fact that it's only noon and I have the whole day ahead of me. Eat leftovers and ice cream out of the carton. Waste time at home. Waste time at the library. Run. Have an emotional breakdown and text my friend asking if I can come to her house and cry. Do so. Feel slightly better. Come home. Shower. Eat dinner. Wonder if it's too early to go to bed.

The sad thing is, this has become not atypical, although it is perhaps a bit more extreme than my average day. I've settled into it, though, and despite the fact that I don't want my life to be this way, I feel sort of powerless against it. I have to tell myself some days, most days, that things will get better. They won't always stay this way. And most days I believe it.

I suppose a change might require some action on my part, though. That tends to be how life works. Unless a dream job in an awesome city near all my friends just happens to fall into my lap, but somehow, I don't see that happening anytime soon. 

It's ok, though. Things will get better, right? Things will get better. We're all going to be ok.