Tie the Knot and Cut the Thread

Last night, on a whim, I re-read dozens of the blog entries I have posted here over the past two years. Some were funny and made me laugh---re-living, for example, my deep self-consciousness over being perpetually mistaken for someone six years my junior. Others were obscure and heavy, written, it seemed, from the inside of a fog. At times, I felt as though I were reading the blog of another person. Who is this girl, I wondered, writing about her anxiety-ridden days in a FedEx truck? Her loneliness and pessimism? She couldn’t possibly be me.

It appears I have already forgotten the turmoil of that first year after my college graduation. It faded so gradually that I never paused to notice how much happier I was. I suppose this is good news. I can now say with confidence to those college seniors days away from graduation: it does get better. At least in my experience. Although I pray you have a more successful launch than I did.

Ironically, I find myself now in much the same position I was in two year ago: facing a long list of unknowns. This time around, however, I’m not nearly as worried about it. I have accepted admission at Seattle Pacific’s MFA program for creative writing which begins the end of July, but beyond that, my future is open. My lease ends in June, as does my guarantee of a job, and I don’t know where I’m going to live yet. Because the MFA program is low-residency, I can stay in Grand Rapids---or not. I got a scholarship, but I’ll still need to fork over money for tuition. It is also likely my boyfriend will move across the country in the next few months. Will I go too?

I probably have a few less questions than I did two years ago, but not many. What makes the difference is having a direction, goals. I don’t feel like I’m aimlessly wandering anymore. In 2012, I had too little idea of what I wanted. That much is abundantly clear from some of my posts that fall.

That too, is probably why I wrote so frequently on this blog back then. I had so much more to process. Mostly, I feel over this theme now. It’s no longer the dominant question of my life.